When coaching feels uncomfortable

I was in a supervision session recently with a line manager. We were discussing how his coaching session might have had more impact if he’d probed a bit deeper around his team member’s feelings.

Using the ‘GROW’ coaching model (Goals, Reality, Options, Will), he’d asked her about her ‘reality’ – where she was right now in terms of her goal, the thing she wanted to achieve. She’d thought carefully about her response and started to explain her struggle. As she described the challenge, she said one word that hinted at how difficult making change might be for her.  Her manager ignored that word and continued with another line of questioning.

I checked whether he’d heard it. He was able to replay her sentence and that word exactly. He looked at me knowingly, “What stopped you exploring what she meant?” I asked. “It would be uncomfortable” he said. “My job is to support people, not to make them feel uncomfortable”.

I had to wonder whether it might be uncomfortable for him or for her. Or for both of them for that matter. And if it was uncomfortable for both of them, would that be a bad thing?

Some of the coaching sessions I’ve benefited from have been really uncomfortable. As a coachee, I felt that way because I was confronting my reality head on. I had nowhere to hide and had to face the facts. You can only make changes when you truly see what is going wrong.

When I think back to one of those uncomfortable sessions and think about how my coach must have felt, I think she was a little uncomfortable too. Perhaps not uncomfortable in the sense it was awkward, but I know she must have been working hard to support me. She wasn’t nodding along, she was pushing me. When I wanted to fill the silence with superficial comments, she made sure to hold that silence  so that I could find the words I really needed. When I suggested an answer, she prompted me for more detail. “And what else?” she said, making me look below the surface of my thoughts again, pinning down the real root cause of why I was stuck.

The impact I felt from that coaching session has been profound. It’s helped me change so many things in my life. And I’m so grateful for her making me uncomfortable.

As coaches, we need to remember that supporting someone isn’t always about making them feel good. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. By being strong enough to challenge we can help create change.

To learn more about the ‘GROW coaching model’ visit The GROW Model